Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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