i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
