i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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