I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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