someone threw a dead crab at me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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