you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you had me at cake vodka
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
