I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
