You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
