It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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