i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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