you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
