a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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