my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
