I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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