Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
