Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
