Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
