new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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