I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
