I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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