U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
