Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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