So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
