I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
