i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
