I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
