I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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