Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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