two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
