I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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