think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
