Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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