My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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