this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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