I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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