so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
