Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
