o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
