so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
