you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We need to rekindle our bromance
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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