wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
