Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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