Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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