I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Fuck appropriateness.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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