I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
