I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
