She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
