Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
