my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
