Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
