Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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