he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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