We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
